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Breakdown #1

Of a series, I'm sure.

For those of you that don't know, which at this point is very few people, my roommate, Badger/Trolltruck, died in a motorcycle wreck yesterday. I'd been numb, I'd gone to work and made food and so on, it was just overwhelming and unreal, until his sister called to ask us to help her move his stuff out.

I can think about not missing him. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, though that may be just the stupid optimism of someone who's never lost anyone close. But these concrete things bring him back. The christmas decorations that he put up. Bah humbug scrooge made fun of him, but he loves Christmas. I'll probably have to spike Christmas ornaments in the front yard or he'll haunt me like Jacob Marley. Or the plates from italy that his parents brought back when he was born. They're not microwave-safe, so I never eat off them. Or the "couch" that's the seat from one of his trucks.

Or his room. His stupid sword, the drum he always takes to drum circles, the papers and stuff on his dresser, the computers, the huge pile of blue clothes. Stuffwise, it's such a little pile. One truckload, really. Less if you don't count the clothes.

Verison Wireless called for him. Apparently, he hadn't paid his bill recently. "I'm sorry, he's dead," I said. "Oh. Well, is anybody else using his phone?" "Well, it might be at the morgue, I really don't know."

I bought a new album for him, it's "jungle drums," a percussion Christmas collection. Cool stuff. Unfortunately, I never got to see him Saturday, so I left it on my table. I came into his room Sunday to play it at him, and it took me a good six hours to figure out why he was gone. I bought him a lot of stuff, actually. I had a big pile of Christmas presents for him. I've been under the impression that he didn't have enough stuff, and was trying to remedy that.

And if I die
before I wake,
I pray Goodwill
my stuff to take

Comments

( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
atalantapendrag
Dec. 7th, 2004 06:44 am (UTC)
...oh. I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you're doing ok.
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 06:48 am (UTC)
For a highly subjective definition of okay, I'm doing okay. I'm trying to figure out how to go to sleep tonight so I can go to work tomorrow, but I've got all my major jobs done, so I don't have any pressing disasters at the office if I decide to drown my sorrows in tea and turkey coldcuts. I rather suspect the worst is yet to come, but for now, I'm stable and functional.
strigine
Dec. 7th, 2004 09:22 am (UTC)
*hugs tightly*
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 01:21 pm (UTC)
(hugs back) Thanks. Actually, I think the hardest part will be cleaning out the leftovers in the fridge. I'll have to break the news to them, too, and they're not going to take it well.
spottedhyena
Dec. 7th, 2004 12:36 pm (UTC)
In situations like this I'm always torn between speaking and running the risk of saying the wrong thing or saying it the wrong way and remaining silent being considered cold. Unfortunately, I never really think of what exactly to say. *hugs*
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 01:28 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know. We've created a weird little culture of long-distance but fairly close semifriends, and it's very hard to know how to respond to that person's tragedy. And being able to see what's important to 35 or 55 or 150 people, you get the basic idea that at any one point in time, about 5% of them are either unexpectedly unemployed, having some devastating situation in their love life, having a hurricane tear their house apart or losing a loved one, either agonizingly slowly or terribly unexpectedly. How can anybody respond to all that?

Anyway, hugs back, like I said, I'm stable and puttering along.
jenna_thorn
Dec. 7th, 2004 02:00 pm (UTC)
long distance friends
A support group is still a support group, though. If you need us, we are available, even those of us who've not met face to face.

And the benefit of 150 people is that at least one of us has gone through damn near anything (in my case most recently a three day conversation on tactics for dealing with a close relative's dementia) and we can, if not hold your hand, at least help in what virtual text-based ways we can.

And if well meaning though clumsily worded sympathies help keep you stable and puttering, you've got all we can send.
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 03:08 pm (UTC)
Re: long distance friends
Useful :) The virtual hand-holding is very nice, it's appreciated, if from a muted distance. Thank you!
poppinjaye
Dec. 7th, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC)
As one from the "agonizingly slowly" camp, I can certainly relate. What an awful past few weeks this has been. I've never lost anyone quickly like that (they've all been from illness), and I have a feeling that is even harder to bear, despite any peace that comes from knowing that there was far less suffering involved. He was far too young. Again, I'm so sorry for all of you. *hugs*
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 03:07 pm (UTC)
Of the two options, I'd much rather prefer neither, I guess. Far too young, certainly will agree. Argh, it's all poo. Gotta run, at work. Thank yo ufor the support, three times over.
knghtsky
Dec. 7th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
Eve of the 7th

I will stop by and spend it with you and 'rina. Work was nice enough to grant me time for this. It is perhaps one of the very few moments I've thought Dell had a heart.

I am near the end of my shift. I worked hard, but with poor accuracy and attention.. mind has been wandering.

I am left wondering what it was of John to devote...
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 01:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks, it'll be good to see people. I've got a bad tendency to forget that I have friends, and it'd be nice to see folks. I think we were talking about running Star Wars and Wrath of Kahn in the background, but there's other rooms to talk in.
tenar10r
Dec. 7th, 2004 04:14 pm (UTC)
I pointed Maus in the direction of your post this morning.
You have friends willing to come to you if you need them.

*hugs*
baktre
Dec. 7th, 2004 02:17 pm (UTC)
*leans against*
kt_kat
Dec. 7th, 2004 03:02 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Its good to see you're somewhat ok. Was worried.

spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:30 am (UTC)
I'm okay, I've been relatively okay through most of this. With occasional serious not okay spells and a lot of staring into space, but we're all functional and getting stuff done. Thanks, KT.
kt_kat
Dec. 8th, 2004 03:07 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I feel the staring into space thing. I've been kinda out of it myself throughout the past few days. You just don't wanna believe it, the mind doesn't seem designed to comprehend such things.
aronal
Dec. 7th, 2004 03:23 pm (UTC)
More hugs for you. I seem to remember seeing him at a PCN in your entourage. Let me know if I can help, RL people in town come in handy too some times.
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 04:04 pm (UTC)
No, that was probably the_october, who is alive and moping. I have a lot of roommates, though I'm short one now. Pragmatically, I'll have to solve that problem soon :(
eris_star
Dec. 7th, 2004 04:07 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
I'm home off and on most days. Let me know if you just want some random company at your place, or someone to cook with at my place. My kitchen is pretty well baby-proofed (so I wouldn't have to hold Andrew the whole time), and I've got a pantry full of stuff that should become cookies.
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 07:22 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Star :) I'll have to find some time to do that. I'm just up to my ears in supportive friends right now, I don't know *how* I'll wedge in another :)
themiskyra
Dec. 7th, 2004 06:21 pm (UTC)
I'm with you in the numb camp, Jacob.

At work right now, I've been going nuts all day.

I will make it to your house tonight, either by scoring a ride with John or bus or a fucking cab if I have to. I'll be there.

twistdbutterfly
Dec. 7th, 2004 06:46 pm (UTC)
We have to put up a Christmas tree. I'll never forget how John called me a scrooge because I wanted to take down the Christmas stuff before Febuary. In retrospect, it wouldn't of hurt me to of left the decorations up all year long if that was what he wanted.
spottylogic
Dec. 7th, 2004 07:21 pm (UTC)
I think that would drive me nuts, I can only handle so much 1) christmas cheer, and 2) constant reminders :(
templeofjustice
Dec. 7th, 2004 11:31 pm (UTC)
Hmm. I don't usually read your journal, but given the news, I decided to take a look.

I'm pretty much at a loss for words with this. The veritable Horde of supportive friends might as well include me. I'd particularly like to hear if you find out about any funerary arrangements.

Despite not having seen him lately, I'm going to miss him.
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:29 am (UTC)
It sounds like the memorial gathering--I don't know if "service" is the right word--is going to be on the 23rd. I've been asked to find a location. (Whips out the dusty Church Influence x2). I need to find out if there's something else happening that's a little sooner, but I'm feeling a bit disinvited. Will talk to the family some more tomorrow.
flippantmoniker
Dec. 8th, 2004 12:47 am (UTC)
All a Dragon can do
Is give a 'Yena a full arms-and-wings-and-tail hug. If there's anything this scailey can do to help you out, don't hesitate to give me a buzz, okay?
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:28 am (UTC)
Re: All a Dragon can do
Can I give you a buzz? (gets electric razor out) Will do, Nick. I'm thinking that I need to skip gaming this weekend, though the escape might be nice, I need to be around the house, Butterfly would probably want me around the house, and I'm going to need some serious recharge time to face the next week.
flippantmoniker
Dec. 8th, 2004 12:46 pm (UTC)
Re: All a Dragon can do
Hey, man, no problem *big, warm, feathery huggaz* I'll put the game on hold or run it, whichever would help ya more. We can postpone the game a week or till after the holiday, or we can do whatever. Just lemme know ifn there's anything I can do for ya, bro.
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 01:01 pm (UTC)
Re: All a Dragon can do
Thanks again :) I'm trying not to plan more than three or four days in advance, as my/our needs are subject to change without warning. If you'd hold things for at least this week, though, I'd personally appreciate.
flippantmoniker
Dec. 8th, 2004 11:37 pm (UTC)
Re: All a Dragon can do
Not a problem at all, bro. OOh Lemme know when you want, and I can cook up some Scottish Eggs for ya:) Scottish eggs = ULTIMATE yum yum comfort food
spottylogic
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:18 am (UTC)
Re: All a Dragon can do
Hmm...I think that scottish eggs might be a little heavy-handed, so far as food goes, for my delicate system right now :) That's probalby because I just finished a bowl of cookie dough ice cream, and that stuff's pretty sickly sweet.
synj_munki
Dec. 8th, 2004 02:29 am (UTC)
*hugs*
*hugs*
everyone deals w/ losses diferently; you just have find your way (not neccessarily alone...)... i personally am a rather weapy person, and say that sometimes just curling around a pillow and letting it all out can do a world of good (you just end up w/ a very wet pillow)... You will mourn, but you are strong and surrounded by friends (*hugs*)... you will eventually pull through and resume your regular life; when i can't say, but i will offer support as much as you need; if you'd like you can e-mail me (deldraaa@hotmail.com) and if it helps i can share how i coped w/ some of my tougher losses... you will always run into things that will remind you of him, and sometimes it will catch you so off guard the rush of feelings may come back (or that may just be me; for someone so butch i am so weapy!) but eventually those feelings will transfer more quickly from the remembered pain of loss to the remembered good times and points in the relationship... if you'd like company, or company at someone else's house, or somewhere to get away to, again just give me a holler...
*hugs*
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:26 am (UTC)
Re: *hugs*
Maybe not this week, I've got my immediate circle of friends and they're so thick I have to shove furniture aside to make room for them. But I'll probably be having a lot more "mental downtime" next week, and it might be nice to hang out somewhere different. Thanks!
lilcreepygrl
Dec. 8th, 2004 03:10 am (UTC)
I think that I fall into the stunned catagory. I haven't been able to get this off my mind.
Do you feel up to a visitor this weekend? Just me?
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:21 am (UTC)
I'd love a visitor or three this weekend. I have some stuff to do Saturday evening, but if you'd like to come by Sunday afternoon-night, I'm probably free and at home.
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 02:07 pm (UTC)
Ronnie is of course extremely welcome, I haven't seen her in a coon's age.
lilcreepygrl
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:00 am (UTC)
So it would be alright to bring the brood?
spottylogic
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:17 am (UTC)
Brood and the bald man are both more than welcome. Try to give me some note as to when you're coming, though, because I may try to run an errand, nip out with L and do some shopping or something.
lilcreepygrl
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:16 am (UTC)
Ok expect us Sunday afternoon between 2 and 4. Hugs
hyaenidae
Dec. 8th, 2004 04:03 am (UTC)
You don't know me but I have had added you not too long ago to my friend's list for various reasons. I was going to say hi and ask if it was ok the next post you made. Instead... I will say that you have my deepest sympathy. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Geez, never a good way for introductions to happen but I hoped to let you know you are in our thoughts.
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:23 am (UTC)
You seem like an interesting person and obviously a man/woman of discerning tastes who understands the grace and grandeur of H. Crocuta Nobilus. So I friended you back. Sorry you caught me at a bad time, but I'm always happy to "meet" new people, even if life's a bit poo at the moment.
chakawolf
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:08 am (UTC)
I am so very sad to hear of the loss of your friend. You will be in my thoughts. (Hugs)
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 06:24 am (UTC)
Thanks, Chaka. We're pretty broken up, but Butterfly and I are making it to work okay, and she did pretty well on her job interview, and I've got a few possibilities for future roommates. No frikkin' motorcycles, though.
xyaneo
Dec. 8th, 2004 09:02 pm (UTC)
"With Sympathy"
Hello! I just hit the random button and arrived ate your site. I saw that you just lost a friend. I am very sorry for that. When someone moves on in death, I always wish I could have know he/she better. Your description of him made me chuckle. Drumming, Christmas ornaments, piles of blue clothes. Now Verison calling. I am sorry to tell you, I doubt that it's the last you will hear from them. It's good that your looking at all the thing that made him special or a little crazy. Lol! IT's nice to remember the little things. I think it's a nice idea to put ornaments in the yard for him. I would find that plate that you never use and eat his favorite meal on it. Maybe somewhere, he will get a chuckle too. In this holiday season I wish you well. Although we have never met, my thoughts are with you. Death is a part of life, a end for some, or a new beginning for others. Be well and take comfort in knowing you have a friend somewhere watching over you. Kind regards, Xyane.
spottylogic
Dec. 8th, 2004 09:24 pm (UTC)
Re: "With Sympathy"
Thank you, it's nice to have some truly random sympathy. And I do try to keep my sense of humor about me :)
cat333
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:37 pm (UTC)
I've just added you to my friends list. I don't know why I haven't before...just...I usually never add someone unless they add me first. But, I figured you wouldn't mind me doing so...unless you really hate my guts, for what, I wouldn't know. (smiles)

If you need anything, let me know. Having lost someone I love very much earlier this year...all I can say is, truly, this really sucks. I will miss John...and the arguments at Bennigan's, and the "pouncing Troll Hugs", and the bizarre sense of humor that came out of nowhere to bring a smile to a very depressed Cat...

Love ya, hon...
spottylogic
Dec. 11th, 2004 05:17 am (UTC)
Well, we weren't really getting along much toward the end. Except for the Camarilla folk that still show up on my doorstep on a regular basis, I've kind of mentally wrapped up that chapter of my life, along with a lot of the people involved in it. With this John thing, the "wrapping up the Camarilla" seems even stronger, but I certainly don't want to shove people away!
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )