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Spam, continued:

Dear diary:

Last week, I had a moment of weakness, and broke down. I purchased Erect-Ol, SP-URM, Nylocine, Viagra, Regalis, Cialis, Vicidon, Paracodin, Clonazepam, Zuban--lord, I don't know what Zuban is, but anything that sounds like an Egyptian god really should be taken internally. I even went down to the corner store and picked up "Horny Goat Weed," and damn the misspellings on the directions. You only live once.

Yesterday, I bit the bullet and finally responded to Cheating Housewife Services. I mean, Kathyrin28, favorite fantasy: "To suck off a complete stranger, and swallow his load." I've never met her, she's never met me. We were made for each other. I mean, we both like blow-jobs. Got my paid account, and everything.

Last night, I took all the pills.

God. Never again, unless that "last tttime" advertisement comes up again. I guess I've dealt with worse, particularly after the clonezepetrin episode. But the combination of four penis enlargers, erection sustainers, and one or two cardiac stimulants--and the horny goat weed, thank gods I didn't spring for the horniest goat weed--that was trouble, I guess I could have guessed that. I had to pee--really bad--at like, three in the morning. But I guess too much blood rushed to my M@ss1Ve Erect.1on, 'cause when I stood up, I blacked out. Woke up face-planted on the ground, by my socks. Somehow--well, not somehow, it was totally easy, since the Vicodon, AND the Cialis, and the Erect-0l totally lived up to their promises, and I had like an extra foot to work with, and just like the ad, hard as steel and lasts all night--somehow, I got hooked on the rail of my futon. I mean, I couldn't move, everything would kind of get dark when I tried. I could swivil my hips, kind of, but not enough to pull out, we're talking some SERIOUS appendage here. So I'd just have to wait until the Erect-0l, and maybe the Zuban, wore off.

Of COURSE this is when Kathryn28 walked in. She was laughing so hard, the blow-job just didn't happen.

This happens to everybody, right?

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Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
twistdbutterfly
Feb. 20th, 2005 12:07 pm (UTC)
Yes, but did your sperm taste sweeter?
spottylogic
Feb. 20th, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC)
Tough call. Couldn't get a tester, she just kept snickering at me. Then I passed out again.
atalantapendrag
Feb. 20th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
Vicodin's only sexy if you're Hugh Laurie with stubble.
spottylogic
Feb. 20th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
Huh...I actually have no idea what most of these things do! I just found a huge list of them in a recent piece of spam--which one's vicodin?
atalantapendrag
Feb. 20th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)
Vicodin's a painkiller.
spottylogic
Feb. 21st, 2005 06:07 am (UTC)
But what's Vicidon? Hah! I've got you!
atalantapendrag
Feb. 21st, 2005 11:38 am (UTC)
*eyebrow* I'd no clue you wanted me.
nikalodeeun
Feb. 20th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
i don't think there's an online acronym for how (pardon the pun) hard you just made me laugh. lollerskates just doesn't cut it.
spottylogic
Feb. 20th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
Thankyouverymuch :)
hyaenidae
Feb. 20th, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC)
Wow. Ok. I've not laughed that hard in months. Too awesome! Thank you!!
spottylogic
Feb. 20th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC)
Yay! Laughing hyena!
synj_munki
Feb. 20th, 2005 08:18 pm (UTC)
that reminds me::
hey-- i e-mailed you before and then i lost your e-dress and i'd like to invite your house to the festivities; e-mail me? if you don't still have it star has it.
(Deleted comment)
spottylogic
Feb. 21st, 2005 06:03 am (UTC)
Re: that reminds me::
BTW, if whoever did all those pictures pops back, I appreciate the "peed myself laughing" thought, but the various illustrations of it creeped me out a bit.
apryl_knight
Feb. 21st, 2005 01:53 pm (UTC)
I just almost broke something internally trying not to laugh out loud at the coffeeshop - something tells me the other people might not apreciate it. *grin* It's like a library in here....
spottylogic
Feb. 21st, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC)
Sweet icon! :) Thanks, I was snickering while I was writing it :P
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )