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leaving Him again

so, is that it? He says, and stirs His coffee,
swirling the cup around. yeah, i say, and look
at the cup. a couple drops of beige hit the
table and spatter. He rubs them away with
His elbow. i think, that's going to stain the linen,
because its a harmless thought, and He takes it
with so much cream, who'd ever know?

I thought we had something, He says,
and i still can't look up. you used to sing to Me.
that was a long time ago. people change. people
grow up. you didn't say I was going to be a phase,
He says, and tries to hold my hand. I pull away,
and bring crimson with me. I got these for you,
He says, showing Me his hand. i bet You say that
to all the guys. that's not fair, He says. i told
you, i wanted a personal relationship with
the divine, i say. i'm tired of sharing You.
what do you want? do you even know? He says,
and more coffee on the table. should I be a
father figure, or a compassionate co-sufferer, or what? you
never even tell Me what you need to have a religious
experience.

be reasonable, You always make it about Yourself,
i say, trying not to tear up. this always happens.
His eyes are brown and bottomless and i know
if i saw Him start to cry i could never go
through with this, but we'll both be stronger, we
can both move on. this isn't about You. it's
not even about us, its me. I can't get all
dependent on You. I don't need a savior, I need
a partner.

you make it sound like you've already got
someone else, He says. it's not like that,
i say, and draw a line through the coffee. i just think
maybe You couldn't handle it if we were both divine.
but you never gave me a chance, He says. I can be
Brahman for you, if that's what you need. it's your
power trip, not Mine. I can be Pan for you. hell, we can
both be Pan. everything is Pan. let Me in, I can be the god
you want, just tell Me who I am.

i don't know, i say, and take another hit
of the cold, cheap coffee. it is 12:30, and
we are having the same fight, our only fight.
the waitress tops us off, and the half-caff is
the color of his eyes.

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Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
darklingfox
Sep. 11th, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
Thats a really great poem. Is there any background on it?
spottylogic
Sep. 11th, 2006 12:35 pm (UTC)
Well, I used to be Christian, but fell out of faith a long time ago. That's about it (though that's not a simple thing for me, I really miss having a religion that I could get into). I picked up an poetry anthology last night and something sparked that, I couldn't exactly say what--I think someone was having an internal dialogue with themselves.
darklingfox
Sep. 12th, 2006 04:27 am (UTC)
I used to be a christian... buried in the stuff and it almost buried me. I swear that religion is like a noose! Or at least the popular interperetation of it.
spottylogic
Sep. 12th, 2006 12:58 pm (UTC)
I think more often than not I'm down on the church--particuarly internal politics at specific churches, not on Christianity, though the recent gay-amendment furer makes me pretty angry at darkside Christianity, too. I still don't like Christian-bashing, it's not sexy, but I find myself agreeing with it more and more :(
spottylogic
Sep. 11th, 2006 03:18 pm (UTC)
The general emotion of wanting something to believe in but not knowing what it is is pretty constant for me. I'm too rational for Jesus, too cynical for Paganism, and too magical-thinking/metaphorical to be content with being an agnostic *sigh* which reminds me of my ex-girlfriend telling me, when I broke up with her, that I'd never find what I want because it doesn't exist. So, there's a little autobiography in there, too.
eris_star
Sep. 11th, 2006 09:08 pm (UTC)
Aside from the used-to-be-Christian, you don't sound too different from me, or several of the other Kallisti folks. So, you're not alone in your isolation, except that we each are.

If that makes any sense.
darklingfox
Sep. 12th, 2006 04:25 am (UTC)
Do followers of Eris ever make any sense? ;p
spottylogic
Sep. 12th, 2006 12:59 pm (UTC)
Communities can help faith grow. Communities of seekers seem like a very good idea, but it's hard for me to get back into faith without having the "raised on it" factor there anymore.
darklingfox
Sep. 12th, 2006 04:23 am (UTC)
Hm... I don't agree with your ex-girlfriend. If you're looking for it, it does exist. Just because no one else may have discovered it or you haven't developed it yet doesn't mean it doesn't or wont exist. I think that the act of searching is an honorable thing in itself. Keeps the mind flexible, fed, and sharp.

All the different religions... they're all different takes on the same thing seen through very different eyes. Thats why I find the Unitarian church to be interesting. Theres some good in each.. and maybe by studying all the good pieces of the puzzle...

In any case... Wonderful poem. =)
spottylogic
Sep. 12th, 2006 01:01 pm (UTC)
She was mostly talking about "What I want in a relationship," no so much with gods and spirituality, so the context was a little different.

CS Lewis, "Screwtape letters", something along the lines of "they say my toy, my house, my wife, my country, my God, and it's our goal to make sure they don't understand how they're using the word 'my'."
paka
Sep. 11th, 2006 02:35 pm (UTC)
Heh. I like it. I cracked most of the Old Testament and a little bit of the New Testament this last month, just for fun, so it's pretty relevent.
spottylogic
Sep. 11th, 2006 03:16 pm (UTC)
The line I wanted to add (but it didn't fit) was "and i've found another man besides./yes, about that..."
gdselwood
Sep. 12th, 2006 02:20 am (UTC)
I'm sure most of it went over my head. It took me half the poem to understand the capitals, but I enjoye dit nevertheless. Not really got anything to add after what the others have said. Just well done.
spottylogic
Sep. 12th, 2006 01:03 pm (UTC)
Glad you liked--I steer away from obscure most of the time, but I was trying to ride between dialogue and monologue, and wanted everythign to run together in this one.
asterickpup
Sep. 16th, 2006 06:38 am (UTC)
I miss certain aspects of the religion I grew up with. Not so much the manic depressive sermons, but the social atmosphere: the security, the people, the music, and yes even the morals. I don't believe in a god any more, so what I'd like to find is a religion without the religion. There are some groups like that but all the ones I found seem to have values that clash with the ones I was taught while I was growing up.

There are times when I feel out of place and that I haven't found what I am looking for, and therefore I tend to go it alone.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )