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I need a hug. Only I'm not sure I could let go in time to get back to work. I pull a lot of my energy out of other people, and the winter, the endless grey and the cold, the frantic running around, just drains me even more. I love cooking and making things and going to parties, but at the end, my little rechargable batteries are depleted, and lately I've had this terrible jones for human contact to get some of that energy back. I imagine this must be what an addiction feels like--a need strong enough to change the way you behave, but it's an odd loss of control--"Dammit, Spotty, it's not like there's anyone else in the back seat, would you stay on your side?" I'm waiting for "Aren't you a little old to sit in Santa's lap? Five times?"

It's worse because of the social chill of my house, my life--Badger and relationships, there's just a lot of problems there, he's always alone, or hoping that this is the one that'll be good, stay good. Butterfly's break-up--it's like the house echoes even when there's twenty people there. And now my mother is breaking off with her boyfriend of a year, and I've always been there for her, but she's so needy now--she begged me to come to the christmas eve church service with her, and I said no. God that stings, but I feel terrible sitting in the house of God with the mixed emotions of love and anger I have toward my former religion, and the part where everyone gets up to go to communion, I'd just have to sit down, and in a room of 500 people that all still regard me as a good Christian, that's nearly as awkward as going there without a shirt or something. So she's going alone. And my baby sister broke up with her boyfriend of two years, and he's kept control of her old social circle, and now she--the center of her friend's lives, the hub of the wheel--is alone, too. Maintaining my warmth and strength in, emotionally and socially, the nearly infinite cold of deep space. It's actually refreshing to see two people who care about each other together--usually I dislike public displays of affection, but they're like space heaters right now.

I'm acutely feeling the draw of energy from people. I can be Butterfly's support, hear my mother's pain, hug my sister, but I can actually feel the tax on my system. It's so strange, it feels more like something from a second-rate sci-fi story than any emotions I've dealt with before. Like spending Essence in In Nomine, or giving Gnosis to a spirit in Garou, I could just check off the boxes that show how many Warmth Points I have left to spend. Very strange sensation. Anyway, I've blown a lot of time today, I should get back to work.

Actually, I'm going to pick up October from the airport :)

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
baktre
Dec. 22nd, 2003 08:26 pm (UTC)
*hug*
spottylogic
Dec. 22nd, 2003 10:45 pm (UTC)
*recieved, returned* :)
auliya
Dec. 22nd, 2003 08:29 pm (UTC)
I'd snuggle on you more often, but I'm nervous that it will be taken wrong. Or maybe right. Or... however. You know. I'm nervous.
spottylogic
Dec. 22nd, 2003 10:50 pm (UTC)
Heh...I went to youth group where everyone was compulsively huggy, it's pretty much desensitized me to awkwardness from that end of things :) I'm still surprised that with a group as tactile as the furries are supposed to be, what a bunch of hands-off people they are. Except when someone wears velvet. Verbal banter is where I start feeling awkward and nervous. Don't know why, I think it's a high school thing.
poppinjaye
Dec. 22nd, 2003 08:56 pm (UTC)
*cuddle*
Long distance cuddles from NY. It gets so cold here...If I save up a lot of money, I'll come to Austin and thaw out.
spottylogic
Dec. 22nd, 2003 10:44 pm (UTC)
Eh, my mood swings are so rapid...but if you misjudge your departure you might get here when the summer begins in early February, and could get heatstroke. We've lost more than a few northerners down here. But I'd love to see you, and you could just hide in the icebox :)
squeakymaus
Dec. 22nd, 2003 11:33 pm (UTC)
Losing Yankees
Has the whining, faintingYankee baby tipped over at any laughably absurd times lately?
spottylogic
Dec. 22nd, 2003 11:35 pm (UTC)
Be nice, she reads my LJ too :) No, she seems to have acclimatized pretty well to the 102-degree evenings, and doesn't wear black leather in the summer like a native.
squeakymaus
Dec. 22nd, 2003 11:40 pm (UTC)
I know
I expect to be ruthlessly beaten and manhandled, or worse, when she makes it up to Dallas.





(Worse things are more likely, since she might think I'd enjoy such treatment)
spottylogic
Dec. 22nd, 2003 11:43 pm (UTC)
Re: I know
Ah...

How 'bout when you come up to Austin this Saturday?

Heh.
squeakymaus
Dec. 22nd, 2003 11:48 pm (UTC)
Re: I know
I'll make sure to be well armoured when I come into town, and bring plenty of distractions with me.
themiskyra
Dec. 24th, 2003 02:37 am (UTC)
Re: I know
I'll make sure to bring a biiiiiiiiig mallet. ;p

And seriously, I try not to be whiny these days. I'm sorry you're feeling fairly drained, Jacob; I know the feeling, having it myself currently, though I think a lot more people depend on you for emotional stability than on me. Good thing that! :)
squeakymaus
Dec. 24th, 2003 04:40 pm (UTC)
Re: I know
I bring a peace offering: jug wine and a packet of chocolate biccies.

Seriously, we were all in either bad or wierd scenes and all needed to whine/bitch/complain. I assaulted Spotty's ears more times than I can count. The comment was more a failed attempt to make fun of Austin's random and severe weather patterns and the effect they have on non-natives (myself included). From what I can tell, it seems you have your shit more or less together, which I am very glad to hear.
poppinjaye
Dec. 23rd, 2003 04:59 pm (UTC)
I'm perfectly comfortable up to 105. Ask anyone around here...I hate the cold, but I can hold and drink boiling hot things...and my showers peel paint off the walls :) I was brought up in the wrong state!
knghtsky
Dec. 22nd, 2003 09:38 pm (UTC)
Call sometime.. I'll take you out to eat.. and you can vent a while.
spottylogic
Dec. 22nd, 2003 10:50 pm (UTC)
Will do, but probably after Christmas!
fairy_wench
Dec. 23rd, 2003 04:04 am (UTC)
sweetheart...call me. I've been meaning to try to get together with you for months--let's go have a cup of coffee or something, kay? *snuggles*
spottylogic
Dec. 23rd, 2003 01:37 pm (UTC)
As soon as I stop moving, there's a coffee shop down the road, we think it might be Christian, called Creator's Coffee. I've been wanting to check it out for a while now :)
lilcreepygrl
Dec. 23rd, 2003 04:57 am (UTC)
The Answer!!!!!!!!!!!
You are in dire need of Roni cuddles. She's my warmth battery. Never seems to run out. I can lend you some this weekend. Oh, and if you need a life-sized teddy, I'll bring Lee too. And of course, hugs from me. I've missed you and October.....
spottylogic
Dec. 23rd, 2003 01:36 pm (UTC)
You just want me to babysit :) And when did they start making big, scary bald german teddybears? Looking forward to seeing you!
spottylogic
Dec. 23rd, 2003 04:23 pm (UTC)
Though Ronnie's Christmas present is frickin' adorable. And I'm pleased to say, I believe I have found The Perfect Present for you and Lee. I'm going to have to borrow it, though, because I didn't make myself a copy before wrapping it :)
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )