Spotty Logic (spottylogic) wrote,
Spotty Logic

Dieting this month...

Things I will not do on the South Beach Diet

I will not hoard saltines. They become stale and are unrewarding.
I will not pose as a "Department of Agriculture Flour Inspector." This is deceptive and beneath me.
I will not abandon the diet because I don't notice a weight decrease immediately after eating lunch. Nobody is this compulsive.
I will not ask my significant other to roll in bread crumbs, even if the book does not specifically say this is off-limits. Breading of any sort is cheating, and the crumbs get places. Similarly, I will not batter and deep fry my significant other, because my deep fryer is not big enough.
I will use Sweet 'n' Low as a sugar substitute. I will not use sugar as a Sweet 'n' Low substitute. These things are not commutative.
I will not eat chocolate under an assumed name. My waistline knows the truth.
I will not mainline laundry starch. The body is a temple, not a washeteria.
I will not embark on a mass-mailing campaign and personally lick all the envelopes and stamps. Postage is expensive, envelope paste is no longer gluten-based, and papercuts sting.
I will not use foreign language dictionaries to find synonyms for "potato." A rose by any other name is still a starchy tuber.
A stuffed pepper stuffed with a peanut butter sandwich on a 12-inch baguette is not diatetic. I will not alter the recommended recipes in a self-defeating manner.
I will not take licenses with seasoning. A snickers bar is not a spice.
I will not celebrate my weight loss by eating an entire german chocolate cake. This is self-defeating.
Tags: humor

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