Spotty Logic (spottylogic) wrote,
Spotty Logic

Reasons I Would Not Want to Have Been a Furry in the Middle Ages:

--tie-on tail seen as evidence of being in league with Satan.
--black cats all killed off during witch trials--no date on Friday.
--Feudal system makes hunting for wild game in forests illegal. Need new pick-up spot.
--animal fur carries fleas, fleas carry the black death. Messy.
--Early "Dance Dance Revolution" games lit by Dominican monks with torches as a spiritual devotion. Gregorian chants never get above difficultly level 3.
--"Bretoncon" disrupted when the Fursuit Parade mistaken for invading northern barbarians, and Njordwolf was killed by burning pitchblend.
--Con hospitality suite only serves roasted tubers, leeks, and "stew."
--Bounty on wolves means there's a 3-shilling reward for your boyfriend, and you feel guilty for weeks about skinning him.
--Early "3 megs per fortnight" transfer rate really reduces the flow of good artwork on the Vixen Controlled Library.
--All good yiff story ideas used up by the Normans.
--Faux fur really unconvincing and stitched onto burlap. Chafes like hell.
--new movable type press makes fandom briefly popular, but spreads way too many sensational stories about the big meet in Westbrook.
--Sheriff of Nottingham creates weird vogue for fat, pushy wolves.
--Hard to differentiate subtle shading of fur in woodcuts. Can't tell foxes apart. Similerly, "naughty bit pink" not available until 1640.
--EVERYONE on IRC keeps spelling "The" with a "ye".
--Artists keep ripping off character poses from your favorite religious icons.
--"perspective" not used in art until the early Renaissance. Can't tell if fox in picture is castle-crushingly large, or just very very close.
--Fabric dyes reserved for nobility, so fur color is limited to black, brown and grey. Have to scrap idea for purple wolverine.
--Panthers, leopards not sufficiently illustrated in bestiaries. Lack of models frustrating for artists. And jaguars and cougars haven't been discovered yet.
--Translating between pounds, shillings, pence, guineas and Linden bucks nearly impossible for paid "Second Life" accounts.
--Photoshop automatically applies "woodcut" filter to all images, ruining shading
--The codpieces on Doug Winger's male characters are really, insanely large, and it's difficult to take them seriously.
--one-handed typing even more challenging when you have to "alt-shift" to differentiate S and Medial S.
--Disney refuses to release the latest Japanese silk paintings in a timely manner.
--No spandex. Skintight costuming has to be accomplished with a mixture of coal tar and ash.
--Standards of hygiene being what they are, the four-day 'cons smell a little strange.
--WeazelX's rave mix of Hildegaard Von Bingen's Antiphon "O quam magnum miraculum" just isn't danceable.
--at the Equine Forum, *everybody* is accessorizing with their new plowshare.
Tags: humor

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