July 9th, 2004

[fades] browns and reds

In a truly incorrect world...

Periodically, the room numbers for special education programs would change, just for fun.

Holy wars would erupt over "Bud Bundy is cooler than Kelly Bundy." Third-world nations without access to late 80's TV would be brought in as arbitrating parties. Their populations would be decimated.

Baby-shaking would be public art. There would be musical numbers.

Poligical campaigns would be won or lost purely on which candidate told the best joke at the expense of the French.

Cutting-edge keyboards would feature a "porn" button, saving countless man-hours of waiting for the desktop icons to load.

Classical music concerts would feature works like Berlietz's "Cantata and Fuge in E Flat Minor, for Winds, Piano and Intestinal Noises."

Meat products would be status symbols.

Concentration camps would be established for the chronically irritating. Visitors would be restricted from throwing fruit--instead, they would be issued chunks of wood, and dull rocks.

State and federal income tax penalties could be paid with sex. Parking tickets were briefly payable in sex, but the radical increase of parking violations made this impractical.

Most civil trials would be settled via the simple expediency of which legal representative, prosecuting attorney or defense, provides the most spirited rendition of "We've Got the Funk."
  • Current Music
    "We've Got the Funk"
Nose to the Grindstone

Dear Mr. Williamson:

Thank you for your contribution to the Information Techology suggestion box. Employee suggestions are always welcome. However, we do not see any immediate need to "sex up" the IT help services line. Help Services strives to be professional, efficient and friendly. We do not try to be sexy.

We do, however, appreciate your suggestions for how best to "sex up" the help line. They have livened up the office bulliten board.

Thank you,
IT Help Services
[fades] browns and reds

(no subject)

Entering another mountain of educational surveys. Found a bloody fingerprint on one of them. Creepy. There's probably a story in this. Maybe "Bubble 'D' for (A) Carnage (B) Homicide (C) Accidental Manslaughter (D) Murder."