October 8th, 2004

Nose to the Grindstone

More constructive work avoidance--

Bandingo creates Banana-Animal Hybrids

"Not an atrocity against God and Nature," spokesman says

Disassociated Press Wire

Zoobotony researchers at the labs of Bandingo Ltd. announced their hybridization of several domestic animals with the increasingly uncommon banana, Friday, October 8.

"The banana needs to diversify, or, yes, we'll have no bananas," says Bandingo CEO Mike Spantoski. Spantoski, a former employee of Chiquita Brands, Inc. Because bananas are grown from cuttings from a single stock of banana plants, and are not able to reproduce themselves without human assistance. "And with the banana's uniquely high levels of selenium and pantothenic acid, it was a simple matter to activate the latent Musaceae-derived endrons common in all animal life. Particularly in large carnivores. Fun, fun," Spantoski added.

"We believe this will bring the banana safely into the 21st century, and make the fruit-eating experience much more rewarding than the world was ever prepared for," said Bandingo spokesperson Frank Motts, age 46, while a serrated plantain gnawed at his leg.

Bandigo, Ltd., has successfully bred or grown a number of hardy and vigorous hybrid species using their ethically suspect horticultural techniques, including the yellow fox, the unpopular banayena, the banagal tiger, the pirananah, and, of course, the Bandingo, which is a vibrant golden color, and very rarely attacks humans.

"We would like to add that our produce is not, in an actual or technical sense, an atrocity against God and nature. Our marketing department has looked into many sacred texts, not only the deuterocanonical scriptures but several apocryphal and alternative scriptures, and several non-Christian works besides, and can find no injunctions against this sort of genetic devilry. In fact, we have yet to find any religious work that specifically mentions bananas."
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