Spotty Logic (spottylogic) wrote,
Spotty Logic

Baby! Crap!

Babies...adorable, dependant, feculent...and terrifying.


I'm going to have nightmares about this kid. Seriously. I've known some deeply emotionally disturbed people whose inner child was no where NEAR this big.


As always, the question is...why? Or perhaps "My god, why?"

Scenario 1: The nursery. Picture is nailed over baby's crib. Child never cries in the night. Never. Too scared. Tragic Result: Nails not strong enough. Picture crushes baby, breaks through floor, kills dog.

Scenario 2: The lover. "Mark--I just want to...cuddle for a's quiet and nobody's home, we can just go upstairs..." (30 breathy seconds later) "Mark...why is that in your room? Is" Tragic Result, Female: Biological clock set back eight years. Mother dies before seeing grandchildren. Tragic Result, Male: TOTAL EMASCULATION.

Scenario 3: The Guilt Trip. " can go out with your friends if you like, it's your birthday after all, and you only turn 21 once...I'll just sit here and think about your painful, painful delivery. You were such a BIG baby. So big. I've never imagined such pain. Have you seen the picture?" Tragic Result: Boy lives at home until age 40, kills self and mother. Police ponder the significance of diary, with countless entries about the giant talking baby picture. Then they see picture, and make no further investigation.

Scenario 4: William Shatner's First Portrait. Tragic Result: His head never gets any smaller.

A call-out to my Austin friends--
It's Top Drawer's 14th anniversary coming up! Anybody want to crash the party with me? I'll be there from at least 12:30-1:00, Sunday, August 26--look for the hyena tee shirt :)


I think this may be my new default icon...

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