The Goodwill on the corner of 2222 and Lamar in normally quiet Austin, Texas was a scene of chaos today as 14 very tiny squad cars arrived to respond to what some are already calling the "Thanksgiving Day Massacre." The brick-a-brack section of the store could only be described as carnage, as three individuals celebrating their thanksgiving feast were brutally murdered, decapitated even as they were getting ready for their meal.
Police describe the victims as two pilgrims and an indian, though precisely what kind of pilgrims they were, or whether the woman described as an "indian" was a Native American, from India, or from a touring transvestite "Village People" tribute band, XXYMCA. Officials refused to reach the band for comment.
While the scene was grim, eyewitness accounts describe the perpetrator as "quite cheerful, really." She is described as an angel with oak leaves for wings, yarnlike hair, and a candle holder rammed into her head.
If you encounter this person, she should not be approached, as she is believed to be excessively perky.
Happy Thanksgiving, all!!