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"My fellow Americans...we've heard a lot about...Iran, and nuclear weapons, and maybe they weren't actually developing them. But that's just rumorous talk. We have to be prepared to fight terror. That's why...we're upgrading our armed forces, so that their love weapons will be better equipped for the reality of the war on terror.
"Every soldier will be equipped with a longer, stronger male stick, before the end of the year. If Congress passes my funding request, our soldiers will be able to show their families their love weapons when they go home for Christmas. These love weapons are among the best in the world, and we believe they are longer, substantially wider and more massive, than the love weapons found in Iran and Pakistan. America has always...led the world...in male sticks. In the initial assault in Iraq, our armed forces' sturdy crotch rods were instrumental in our 'shock and awe' campaign. Iran is suspected of working on weapons of mass insemination. It is our duty, as Americans, to dissuade them from this research, with our own, superior military endowments.
"The War on Terror will not be won by backing out now. We must press forward, long and deep into enemy territory, get a hand on the insurrection and pull it out. The new love weapon is a key part of the military surge plan, and I project that our military's thick, throbbing man missiles will be...instrumental...in establishing a peaceful, free state in Iraq. But not Pakistan, because they're not into that.
"Thank you, and God bless."