One of the minor problems we've got in our new house is every inch is tiled, so no matter where you drop something, it shatters. On the other hand, it's easy enough to clean up the dog hair, five minutes with a broom, done.
So, from Kiwi Carpet Cleaners:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. [Whines's Last Name]
Welcome to the World of Kiwi Lovers - where carpet cleanings are $4 per room!
There are other things wrong with this letter, but it's off to an inauspicious start.