Spotty Logic (spottylogic) wrote,
Spotty Logic

Thoughtful commentary on 10,000 BC--

Narrator: It was a very long time ago, when people had more hair, climatic regions were a quarter-mile wide, and men wore lots of jewelry...

Thagga: It's very cold, isn't it?
Beebo: Yes. The air, it is cold. We are a people of the cold lands, and have been in this cold place for a great many years.
Thagga: It is good that we have the English language.
Beebo: Every word except 'snow.'
Thagga: That would be a useful word, wouldn't it?
Beebo: What word?
Thagga: Never mind.
Beebo: So, did you see that new girl Crazy Old Lady found?
Thagga: The one with 'plot bitch' tattooed on her forehead?
Beebo: That's her!
Thagga: Yah, she's pretty hot, but she's only going to shag the protagonist. In fact, it's in the prophecy. You know.
Beebo: So, when's Bippo going to get back with the chicken nuggets?
Thagga: We only hunt chickens in the spring. Christ--sorry--Pugwort, everyone knows that.
Beebo: Sorry, the omnicient third-person narrator hadn't gotten around to that yet.
Thagga: Hey, how's your son doing?
Beebo: The one that's got his hand down Plot Bitch's slinky leather skirt? Oh, he'll never amount to anything. Anyway, gotta run, I'm, you know, a big plot device later on.
Thagga: Hope that works for you, man.

Binky: Ow. Stop hitting me.
Rude kid: No. Your dad's a frikking plot device. [punches Binky]
Spunky Kid: Hey, lay off him. Maybe his dad's just off camera, screwing around or something. Or maybe he's like in Egypt or something.
[all look at him, disbelieving.]
Dik-dik: We must hunt the mighty chicken now, it is the season of their migration. Also, we're going to decide who's the village chief now, as long as we're hunting roosters. The man with the biggest cock gets to take my big white spear.
[all look at him, disturbed.]
Rude kid: Is your name really Dik-dik?
Dik-dik: Shut up, you.

[Chicken drags Binky across the field. Binky screams.]

[Dik-dik gives Binky his big white spear.]
Dik-dik: Here you go, man. Oh, you get the girl, too.
Binky: Oh, can I just have the girl?
Dik-dik: No, man. Spear comes with girl.
Binky: Nah, never mind, man. You keep her.
Plot Bitch: Hey!
Crazy Old Woman: Doom!
Dik-dik: She says that a lot, doesn't she? Anyway, chicken nuggets all around.

Mike [on horseback]: Rar!
Eddie [on horseback]: Booga!
Mike: Take, like, all of them. Or at least a third of them. Unless anyone looks terribly brave and heroic, or prone to overthrowing empires, leave them behind. And bring me some chicken nuggets.
Eddie: Coolio. Hey, I'm going to off this girl with "Plot Bitch" on her forehead, okay?
Mike: No, man, she's hawt.
Eddie: And hurry up with those chicken nuggets, We've got to get to, like, Egypt before the movie's over.
Mike: Yeah, but that's like 30 miles from here, dude. No worries. Unless it's rush-hour.

Dik-dik: Dude, where's my wife?
Crazy Old Woman: Doom!
Binky: Those guys on horses, they probably took her to, fwaa, I dunno, Egypt or some shit.
Spunky Kid: I wanna go!
Dik-Dik: Fuck that noise, it's rush hour.
Binky: If I find her, can I keep her?
Dik-dik: Whatever. Hey, I'll go, too. There's some excellent shoppage in Egypt.
Binky: Well, hey, let's go then. Guess that's every able-bodied guy in the village, right?
Crazy Old Woman: Doom!
Binky: Yeah, what she said.

[Meanwhile, in the rain forest five miles from the snow-covered mountains...]
Eddie: You know, your girl's been sticking post-its on everything, with like little arrows on them. I wanna off her.
Mike: No, man, some chicks dig kidnapping. She might put out. But, like, I'll take away her post-its. Hey, is that like some horrible cat-thing?
Cat-thing: Rar! [pounces]
Eddie: Well, we weren't really going to use those slaves anyway. Oh, hey, it's cave dudes.
Dik-dik: We'll save you, half the village!
Binky: Plot bitch, I've come for you! Even though I just gave you to Dik-dik.
Crazy Old Woman: This set gets really crappy reception. Anyone got some rabbit-ears or something? I'm trying to watch my stories, and it keeps fizzing out whenever we get to see Binky's pert little bottom.
Binky: Did you ever feel like you were being watched?
Crazy Old Woman: Doom!

Dik-dik: Ouch. Pulled muscle.
Binky: Yeah, those suck. And, like, everyone got away. Good job, there.
Dik-dik: Yeah, well, you take the spear. I'm just gonna sit here, you know, kind of stretch for a bit. Go on, Egypt's right over there, I'll catch up.
Binky: Fine, I'll take the spear. But I get the girl, too.
Dik-dik: Whatever. Why'd you have to go feed all our chicken nuggets to that big cat thing?
Binky: He was cute.

Peace-love-moonchild: Time to die, beeyach!
Binky: Eeek! Hey, why do you speak English?
Peace-love-moonchild: This old fart named Plot Device showed up and taught me. Never thought it'd be useful, but hey.
Cat-thing: Mew?
Binky: Look, I don't have any more chicken nuggets.
Peace-love-moonchild: That cat's wicked, man. You can talk to him?
Binky: Well, kind of, as long as I've got chicken nuggets anyway.
Peace-love-moonchild: Well, my tribe thinks you're the cool kid now, so we'll follow you for the next few scenes.
Dik-dik: Bonus.
Crazy Old Woman: Doom!

[Later, near Egypt]:
Dik-dik: Dude, there's like a billion people following us.
Binky: Yep.
Dik-dik: We don't have enough chicken nuggets for all these people.
Binky: Nope.
Dik-dik: You got a plan?
Binky: Nope.
Dik-dik: Can I have my spear back, then?
Binky: Nope.
Spunky Kid: Bet they've got chicken nuggets in Egypt. It's, like, three blocks from here.
Dik-dik: Oh, right, over there. Where they've got the really big pyramid.

Egyptian Slave: Hey, you look just like my old friend, Plot Device.
Binky: Yeah, I get that a lot. Hey, you mind joining us in a mighty rebellion, endangering all of your lives, so I can get my girl?
Egyptian slave: Well, Rodney cancelled card night this Thursday, so I can pencil you in there.
Binky: Bonus.

Priest 1: Oh, great god-emperor David Bowie! We are concerned about prophecy number 15!
David Bowie: The one about the girl with 'plot bitch' tattooed on her forehead causing the death of a god and the fall of our empire? Well, if you see anyone bearing the plot bitch mark, bring her to the front door and text me when you're there. I can't see any way that'll go wrong.
Priest 2: Make sure you have your phone turned on, 'kay?
David Bowie: Fine, fine.

Peace-love-moonchild: Pretty amazing the way you just destroyed their empire. Man, you sure know a lot about chickens.
Binky: My people are wise in the ways of chickens.
Egyptian Slave: Pretty convenient that they used chickens to haul those bazillion-pound slabs of rock up the pyramid, too.
Binky: Yeah, it's been a good day for weird convenient stuff. Hey, isn't that David Bowie? With my girlfriend?
David Bowie: Oh, is she yours? I don't see your name on her.
Dik-dik: Yeah, she came with the spear. Dude, you should totally give him the spear.
Binky: That'd be totally cool. Hey, David Bowie! Make sure you've got the whole set!
[throws spear, David Bowie dies.]
Binky: Hey, cool. Girl, spear, empire.
Peace-love-moonchild: Yeah. Hey, we've got some corn that grows real well in subsaharan Africa. I bet you could take it to wherever you're from, Iceland or some shit. It'll probably grow there, too.
Mike: Hey, you've got MY happy ending. [throws spear at Plot Bitch.]
Plot Bitch: Oh, I'm dead!
Crazy Old Woman: Doom! [falls over, dead.]
Plot Bitch: Wait, I'm okay, never mind. Let's go home, I wanna watch my stories.

[roll credits]

Tags: humor

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