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Warning:

WARNING: OBJECTS PERCEIVED THROUGH GRAVITATIONAL LENSING EFFECT OF TWO SUPERMASSIVE STARS ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

BRITE-O TOILET CLEANSER FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY

DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF REST-RIGHT MATTRESSES

NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEFT, DAMAGE THROUGH NEGLIGENCE, OR ACTS OF JUDEO-CHRISTIAN GOD

NOT TO BE REMOVED EXCEPT BY CUSTOMER UNDER PENALTY OF VAGUE, UNDEFINED GUILT

NOT LIABLE FOR DAMAGE TO GENDER ROLE

THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT USE OF THIS PRODUCT AS INTENDED IS GAUCHE

WARNING: USE OF RINSEWELL ALL-PURPOSE CLEANSER IS THANKLESS

ADULT DOSE: ONCE EVERY FOUR HOURS, NOT TO EXCEED FOUR DOSES PER DAY. IF SYMPTOM PERSIST, DISCONTINUE USE OF RELIGION AND CONTACT A PHYSICIAN

NOT FOR USE AS A MORAL COMPASS

ALLERGEN WARNING: THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN WHOLE COCONUTS.

LIFE PRESERVER IS A FLOATATION DEVICE, AND IS NOT INTENDED TO AFFECT YOUR SOCIAL STANDING OR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP(S)

PHENYLKETONURICS - CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE, OR MAY BE AN EARLY 1980S HAIR BAND

IN CASE OF ACCIDENTAL INGESTION BE MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE

LIFE-STYLE AND SUGGESTED WEALTH LEVELS OF INDIVIDUALS PORTRAYED IN TUREL CIGARETTE ADVERTISEMENTS ARE ONLY REINACTMENTS. TUREL IS NOT OBLIGATED TO PROVIDE A CAR, BEACH PARTY OR PERFECT BLOND HAIR WITH PRODUCT.

USE OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS HAS BEEN CONCLUSIVELY LINKED TO HALITOSIS, ACNE AND LOSS OF SLEEP.

NOT VALID IN TX, CA, FL OR BELGIAN CONGO

OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS PROGRAM ARE PURELY THE OPINIONS OF THE WRITER, AND IN NO WAY REFLECT THE BELIEFS AND VALUES OF THE AUDIENCE

WARNING: EXTENDED USE OF MICHAEL HAS BEEN LINKED TO DROWSINESS, IRRITABILITY AND HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE/HYPERTENSION. PLEASE CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN BEFORE BEGINNING RELATIONSHIP WITH DRAMA QUEEN.

TEENAGER NOT TO BE REMOVED FROM BED UNDER PENALTY OF WHINING AND NASTY LOOKS.

IN CASE OF INTENTIONAL INGESTION A 15% GRATUITY HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR RECEIPT

USE OF CLOVE CIGARETTES DURING PREGNANCY MAY CAUSE FETAL ANGST

USE OF PRODUCT HAS BEEN LINKED TO BAD HAIR

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: USE OF REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS NOT BEEN CONCLUSIVELY LINKED TO HIGHER SOCIAL STATUS AND INCOME. AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR FAMILY PHYSICIAN BEFORE ADOPTING A NEW POLITICAL PARTY.

WARNING: CONTAINS BROKEN GLASS

THE SACRAMENTS EXPRESSED IN THE 1836 BOOK OF COMMON PRAYER ARE OUTWARD AND VISIBLE SIGNS OF AN INWARD AND SPIRITUAL GRACE, AND IN NO WAY IMPLY A CONTRACTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND OR A DIVINE POWER

WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE OR DELAY SERVICE IF WAITER DOESN'T THINK YOU'RE CUTE

MAY CAUSE EXISTENTIAL DOUBT

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
auliya
May. 26th, 2004 08:25 am (UTC)
BRILLIANT!

Now I can only hope you did indeed write these.
spottylogic
May. 26th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC)
I get really bored at work sometimes.
baktre
May. 26th, 2004 08:48 am (UTC)
I think I like '...is thankless' best. :)
spottylogic
May. 26th, 2004 11:58 am (UTC)
My favorite, as at this point I can't remember writing this document, is "consult with your physician before beginning a relationship with a drama queen."
krrayn
May. 26th, 2004 11:22 am (UTC)
*rotflcackle*
NOT LIABLE FOR DAMAGE TO GENDER ROLE

Me likey.
spottylogic
May. 26th, 2004 01:57 pm (UTC)
Re: *rotflcackle*
A lot of us were watching "Heathers" last night, and there's a scene where the two main characters are trying to set up the asshole jock-types as having just committed a "world will not accept our gay love" double suicide. Besides of course having the two guys mostly naked and dead, they had a suicide note, beefcake magazine, a few other things, and a bottle of mineral water, which was the real clincher--mineral water DEFINATELY equals gay, yep. I think that's what set me off on that one.
krrayn
May. 26th, 2004 08:25 pm (UTC)
Re: *rotflcackle*
seen the movie, know the scene. Great flick.

There's no 'a' in "definitely." Just thought you should know. :)
spottylogic
May. 26th, 2004 08:29 pm (UTC)
Re: *rotflcackle*
I've never been able to spell quite as well as I'd like to. And I'm a bit out of practice on my copy-editing, by about four years--that's one of those skills that you need to stay in practice on!

I miss the little Jack Nick wanna-be, though. I have been told that I don't miss the 80's, but I miss the hypothetical construct that my time-addled mind created of the 80's.
krrayn
May. 27th, 2004 05:37 am (UTC)
Re: *rotflcackle*
heheh... jack nick... ever see pump up the volume?
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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